I Rented a Tiny Car and Drove Around the Country

Scotland was not a luxury vacation.

A $405 open-jaw airfare from Denver — Denver to London, then Glasgow back to Denver — is really what kicked the whole thing off.

I took a train from London to Edinburgh, rented a little Vauxhall Corsa, and spent the next week working my way around Scotland.

I stayed in hotels and taverns. I drove through tiny towns. I stopped when something looked interesting. I drank whisky. I ate an unreasonable amount of haggis.

The rental car made the trip.

And somewhere along the way I learned one of the great lessons of international travel:

Sometimes the weird sheep-organ thing everybody warns you about is delicious, while the treasured dessert of your childhood turns out to be garbage.

Travel teaches you things.

First, I Had to Get to Scotland

The airfare was one of the things that made this whole trip possible:

Finding airfare like that is exactly how trips that seem financially ridiculous suddenly become possible.

I arrived in London on April 4 and headed to King’s Cross for the train to Edinburgh.

And then Scotland began.

I spent my first two nights in Edinburgh before picking up my rental car at the airport on April 6.

That car changed the entire trip.

Mostly because it meant I didn’t have to decide in advance which little places were important enough to visit.

I could just go.

The Road Trip

My route eventually took me:

Edinburgh → St Andrews → the east coast → Aberdeen → Fochabers → Inverness → Isle of Skye → Fort William → Oban → Glasgow

I hugged the eastern coast through St Andrews, Dundee, Arbroath, Montrose and Stonehaven on my way toward Aberdeen.

Some places were destinations.

Some were lunch.

Some were what the hell is that? Turn here.

Those are often my favorite places.

I Can Technically Say I Golfed at St Andrews

I stopped at St Andrews and played the putting course.

Not the Old Course.

Let’s not get carried away.

But I can now truthfully say that I have golfed at St Andrews, and unless someone asks an unnecessary number of follow-up questions, that’s where I’m leaving it.

The Car Made the Trip

This deserves its own section because I think it’s useful travel information.

I loved having the rental car.

A car meant navigating unfamiliar roads, driving on the other side, parking, fuel and the occasional moment of wondering whether the road I was currently traveling was actually intended for automobiles.

But it also meant freedom.

I could stop in St Andrews.

I could drive through Dundee.

Then Arbroath.

Then Montrose.

Then Stonehaven.

I could see something interesting and pull over.

I wasn’t moving from attraction to attraction.

I was seeing Scotland in between them.

For me, that freedom was worth it.

Whisky Country 🥃

I stayed two nights in Fochabers, which put me right in whisky country.

I visited Glenfiddich and The Glenlivet.

And apparently at Glenfiddich I also stopped for a civilized little pot of tea — because nothing says Scotland quite like spending part of the day surrounded by whisky and then sitting down with a proper teapot.

This is precisely the kind of travel itinerary I can get behind.

Loch Ness

From Inverness, I took a boat tour on Loch Ness.

Because obviously.

You cannot travel all the way to the Scottish Highlands, stand beside Loch Ness and then say:

Nah. I’m good.

I went looking.

Nessie declined to make an appearance.

Rude.

I did bring home a stuffed Nessie for Kevin. Kevin later ate its eyes out, which feels like his own contribution to the legend.

I also visited Urquhart Castle, which gave me the combination Scotland seems particularly good at:

ruins + water + mountains + weather = take another 47 photographs.

Highland Cows

There are castles in Scotland that are hundreds of years old.

There are mountains.

There are lochs.

There are some of the most beautiful landscapes I’ve ever seen.

And then there are Highland cows.

I have approximately no defense against them.

The Isle of Skye

The farther west I drove, the more ridiculous the scenery became.

I crossed onto the Isle of Skye and spent the night in Broadford at the Dunollie Hotel.

Mountains. Water. Tiny roads. Huge landscapes.

It was exactly the Scotland I’d pictured.

And then I went grocery shopping.

Which brings me to…

The F***ing Viennetta

If you grew up when I did, you may remember Viennetta.

It wasn’t merely ice cream.

Viennetta was fancy.

Those perfectly rippled layers appeared on television like something aristocrats ate after dinner while discussing their estates.

Then, in Scotland, I found it.

There it was.

Viennetta.

I bought it.

I also acquired cider and a tiny bottle of Prosecco, because apparently I intended to give this historic occasion the ceremony it deserved.

I sat outside.

I opened it.

I ate it.

And…

It was gross.

I don’t know whether Viennetta changed or whether childhood memories are filthy liars.

But Scotland gave me castles, mountains, whisky, Highland cows and breathtaking scenery.

And it took Viennetta away from me forever.

Also, Britain: I Need to Talk to You About Poundland

At some point during this trip I encountered Poundland.

And I have only one observation.

Pound Town was right there.

An absolutely unforgivable missed opportunity.

Moving on.

Turns Out I F***ing Love Haggis

Before Scotland, haggis was one of those foods people describe by listing the ingredients and then waiting for you to recoil.

So naturally I ate it.

And then I ate it again.

And again.

Turns out:

I f***ing love haggis.

By the time I reached Fort William, I’d progressed to haggis nachos at The Grog & Gruel.

Haggis nachos sound like something invented after several whiskies by someone who had completely lost respect for international borders.

They were wonderful.

I Did Not Climb Ben Nevis

This needs clarification because there’s a photograph that makes me look considerably more ambitious than I was.

I did not hike Ben Nevis.

I took the Nevis Range Mountain Gondola up Aonach Mòr.

Which was spectacular.

It was also significantly more compatible with my preferred mountaineering technique, which involves machinery.

And Then There Was the Food

Scotland fed me extremely well.

Full Scottish breakfasts. Haggis. Black pudding. Chips. Meat pies. Soup and rolls. Fish and chips. Tea.

There was also a Strongbow or two.

And then there was the Scottish gas-station hot dog.

Calling this thing a hot dog seems inadequate.

It was approximately the length of my forearm, stuffed into an enormous roll and eaten in the car with a bottle of water and crisps rolling around nearby.

Road-trip cuisine.

No notes.

The Glamorous Side of International Travel

There is another photograph from this trip that I absolutely love.

My underwear soaking in a hotel sink.

Because this is the part Instagram occasionally forgets.

Traveling light means wearing things again.

Wearing things again means washing them.

Sometimes your evening in Scotland isn’t whisky beside a fireplace overlooking a loch.

Sometimes it’s:

“Well, I need these underwear tomorrow.”

Into the sink they go.

And this is precisely why I don’t need fourteen outfits to travel.

What the Trip Actually Cost

Here’s the part I wish more travel stories included.

Airfare

Denver → London Heathrow
Glasgow → Denver

$405 per person

Rental Car

Vauxhall Corsa — April 6–13

$257.53

Lodging

Airfare, seven nights of lodging and the rental car came to:

That doesn’t include my London-to-Edinburgh train, fuel, food or activities, so I’m not going to pretend it’s the total cost of the trip.

But it does show something important.

Going to Scotland didn’t require being rich.

It required finding a great airfare, choosing reasonable places to stay and deciding where my money actually mattered to me.

The Penny Report 🪙

Best thing about having the car:

I could stop wherever the hell I wanted.

Worst thing about having the car:

Some roads were more suggestion than road.

Food I expected to be questionable but loved:

Haggis.

Food I expected to love but discovered was questionable:

The f***ing Viennetta.

Most glamorous travel moment:

Tea at Glenfiddich.

Least glamorous travel moment:

Underwear soup in the hotel sink.

Best proof that road trips need snacks:

Scotland’s enormous gas-station hot dog.

Nessie sightings:

0.

Highland cow sightings:

Not enough.

The Stuff I Remember

Scotland wasn’t memorable because I checked off a list of famous places.

It was memorable because of everything between them.

The putting course at St Andrews.

Tiny towns along the coast.

A little rental car that made the whole trip possible.

Tea at a whisky distillery.

Boats on Loch Ness.

Highland cows beside the road.

Haggis nachos.

Underwear drying in hotel rooms.

A comically enormous gas-station hot dog.

And one deeply disappointing Viennetta.

That’s the stuff I remember.

That’s the stuff that made it mine.

Come on. Let’s go see the world. 🌍🪙